Animals on the Roadways: An Important PSA that could Save your Life! (well not really yours, more the animals lives)

Ok, now that spring is officially here and the weathers getting warmer, birds and bees are starting to play nice together again.  Bambi’s and Thumpers are starting to twitter pate, or whatever the hell it is they do with each other.  I think it is time for a PSA. That’s Public Service Announcement not Public Sex Act for those of you who are acronym-ically challenged.  Today’s PSA is going to be on Road Kill. Yup Road Kill. But not in a ‘hey ten points if you hit that rabbit’ kinda Road Kill PSA.  This is a friendly PSA (for now).  So as I was sayin, the weathers getting nicer and animals large and small are starting to shed off the last dregs of snow on their cute furry hides.  They will be back on their trails skittering this way and that in search of food and love.  These trails, which were theirs in the first place, will on many occasions cross over onto “our” roads.  ~ History Lesson: Most roads today were already here from settlers’ trails, but the trails didn’t originate with the settlers trailing from one outpost to the next.  The trails originated from animals foraging for food.  That is why most trails and modern roads at some point lead up to or next to a river or body of water. End History Lesson ~

So basically what I’m trying to say peeps, is that we need to acknowledge the fact that animals will eventually cross our paths on the roadways.  The question is are you going to be that careless ass? or a caring ass-embly of people? (Sorry for the lame attempt at a joke) cont: Ok, don’t get me wrong here, accidents happen, I can see how a squirrel or a rabbit can dart out into the road from practically no where.  It happens and I always feel bad, that there’s not much you can do with out slamming on the brakes and potentially causing a car accident. I don’t like it, it happens, I’ll forgive, but as long as it was an accident, don’t go aiming for the poor things.

 But there are other animals out there that aren’t as darty and fast as said squirrel and rabbit.  Raccoons and possums I see a lot, they are larger and slower, they don’t exactly dart at you.  Now I do take into consideration that they are nocturnal and may not be as easy to see at night.  But this is where it is up to you to take the responsibility to at least try to prevent a raccoon/possum massacre.  Headlights can help light up the roadway and the eyes of the creatures in question.  If you see them, please brake, or if it is too late to brake, swerve (as long as it’s not into a tree or another car) The raccoon and possum babies will thank you and they won’t have to ask that awkward question to mama raccoon/possum “Momma, why doesn’t Daddy come home anymore?  Does he not love us?” and in order to spare their feelings by telling them their Dad is dead, she replies “Yes sweetheart your Daddy hates you and never wants to see you ever again.”  Do we really want this scenario to play out people?

 All right moving on to a slightly larger animal that I see on the side of the road ALL the time, is the common Canadian Goose.  This I don’t get at all, this is just out of meanness.  I mean if you ever had to wait for a line of geese to mosey across the street, you obviously know how flippin slow these birds walk.  Basically if you hit and kill a Goose, you’re an asshole.  Yup it’s true. You are a 100% narcissistic, impatient Asshole!  Nothing will ever change my mind on that.  Yeah I know, geese can be annoying, they poop on everything and honk at you if you even look at them, but do they really deserve to get hit by a car?   Does any animal?  Does anyone?

 Now the last animal I will bring up is one of the larger of Road Kill you will see. (Especially driving down the back roads in Wisconsin)  The White Tail Deer.  I hate seeing them dead on the road, but these guys I’ve seen in action, they’re fast, they come out of nowhere, and they pack a mean punch.  Usually it’s not you that hits the deer, but the deer that hits you.  So this I cannot blame you if you accidentally hit a Deer, accidentally being the key word. Besides, I truly don’t believe anyone would deliberately hit a deer, seeing as the deer would totally tear your car apart.

 So to recap, accidents do happen, rabbits, squirrels, deer, all speedy shifty creatures that can and will surprise you, so just keep your guard up when driving and do the best you can not to squash them.  Next, Raccoon, and Possums, they are slower but come out at night, so they have the darkness against them.  Just know that when you are in an area inhabited by them to just keep a careful watch at night.  Lastly, Geese, there is no excuse, they’re big and slow and I’ve never personally seen one cross a street at night, so you can’t use that as an excuse buddy.  If you hit a Goose, you’re a Heartless Asshole, sorry, but it’s true.  So please be careful when driving and brake for our furry and feathered friends.  Not fish though; they have no business being on the road. Stupid fish with their stupid gills and stupid scales and stupid floppy bodies and mouths that open and close like their gasping for air ……*author shudders as a chill trickles down her spine*  I don’t like fish.

Why I think my cat is part Wookie

I think my cat is part Wookie

My youngest cat has to be part Wookie, no doubt about it.  The evidence is overwhelming! So I’ve gathered up some evidence, because no one believes me that my cat is a descendent of the Wookies of Kyyshak.  

First I’m going to bring up her temperament.  Now Wookies are known for their short tempers and unpleasant dispositions.  My cat - we’ll call her “Lola” to keep her identity hidden is one of the bitchest cats I’ve ever met in my life.  Her death stare is so intense she can look at you, and make you suddenly want your mommy.  She’s mean, she’s bullies my other cat, and she isn’t the most pleasant smelling. -That has nothing to do with my theory; I just had to call her out on it. : ) - Try to look her in the eye in this picture, I dare you to, look at it and tell me you don’t pee a little out of fear. You say you don’t?  I say you’re a frackin liar! Wookie!

 Second, it is important to warn you that if you play “Lola” at galactic space chess, it is best to let her win. Come to think of it, you should probably let her win at Wizards Chess as well. - Speaking of, does anyone know where I can find a really good Wizards Chess Set?  The only ones I can find, the pieces don’t move, so technically that’s not a Wizards Chess Set. - Any who…Appendages have been severed, to this day, I still don’t know where my left pinky is.  Wookie!

Third, she sounds like a Wookie.  Now I don’t have any audio proof, I really wish I did, so your just gonna have to trust me on this one.  She doesn’t so much meow as it is kind of a bark. A meowie/bark.  A meark.  Every time I scold her for doing something she knows she’s not suppose to do, she mearks at me and it instantly makes me think of Chewie.  Wookie!

Fourth, she may be a mean ass bitch, but any good Wookie is also very loyal.  I can say with certainty, that if I were caught by Boba Fett and frozen in carbonate, “Lola” would get her fury little ass captured so she can help in the plot to rescue me.  I think that’s sweet.  Wookie! (sidebar- I’ve also come to the conclusion that she would rescue me just so she can scratch the shit out of my arm while I’m sleeping, which backs up my first claim. Wookie!)

So those are four reasons I’ve come up with so far, there may be more in the future.

New evidence found!!!  Is “Lola” part Wookie?……or part Jawa? You be the judge.

BTW she just bit me, as I’m finishing up writing this.  It’s obvious she’s knows I’m getting close to the truth about her ancestry.  

The Snuggie Color Rank Classification System

Ok, so I know I’m not the only one who has noticed that Snuggies look a little too much like cult robes when on.  My friends and I have had many arguments as to whose snuggie color would have the higher rank in a snuggie cult.  So in order to stop the arguing once and for all, I have come up with a Snuggie Color Rank Classification System.  I have found 15 different colors and or patterns for this system, which you will see as you read on. These are “all” the colors I “could” find on the net.  I’m sure there are a lot more out there, but I was getting bored looking, so this is it.  Also I’m not including the prints for kids, because come on, kids don’t get a say.  I became an adult so I could tell kids what to do, not the other way around.  So to start the journey for my method of madness, the snuggies with prints have the lowest rank, because they suck.  Solid colors have the higher ranks because they suck less.  So here are the rank classifications from lowest to highest.  Make sure you read carefully before you try to pull rank on a fellow snuggie owner, cause they may out-rank you.

 

 

 

Snuggie Ranks

Clouds ~ Private – 

Clouds are the lowest rank.  Though pretty in the sky on a warm summers day, you just can’t take a cult member seriously when they have clouds covering their body.

Peace signs ~ Private First Class –

Ok, peace signs, pretty much the same as clouds, but not nearly as lame.  Hence peace signs out rank clouds.

Zebra ~ Corporal –

So the Zebra and Leopard ones were hard to place.  I argued with my self for hours and hours and hours on whether the animal prints should be the lowest ranking snuggie.  After a best out of 5 arm wrestling match with myself, the Zebra and Leopard print won and slightly out rank the clouds and peace sign.

Leopard Print ~ Sergeant –

Pretty much the same as the statement above.  Though both are scary and remind me of a 50 something woman sleazing the bars in her stretch pant animal prints, The Leopard out ranks the Zebra for no other reason then, I have no reason.

Tie-dye ~ Staff Sergeant –

Now Tie-dye is a print, so it is a lower rank, but it the higher of the low.  Come on, everyone has a little hippy in them somewhere….Tie-dye rocks!……..but not enough.

Sage Green ::sea foam green:: ~ Sergeant First Class –

Green symbolizes finances, fertility, luck, and money it is also the color of envy and inexperience.  Ok, so the envy and inexperience is what gave this color the lower ranking.  I don’t want many inexperienced people in charge of the lower ranks, it could turn into anarchy.

Forest Green ~ Sergeant Major –

Same reasons as Sage Green, except this is a darker color, which makes it cooler in my book.  Though green is my second favorite color, I cannot have this color at the top of my rank list.

Soft Rose ::pink:: ~ Warrant Officer –

So Pink is supposed to encourage action and confidence, that is a plus, however, Pink can also create physical weakness in a cult member.  So plus on the confidence, but minus for physical weakness.

 

Red ~ Chief Warrant Officer -

It's a strong color that conjures up a range of seemingly conflicting emotions from passionate love to violence and warfare. Red is also the first color we loss sight of when twilight approaches. Yeah, so that will come in handy when the FBI tries to sieze our compound……at twillight. 

Burgundy ~ First Lieutenant –

So Burgundy has the same symbolism as regular Red, but like Forrest Green, the darker the shade, the higher it ranks.

 

Camo ~ Captain –

Now I know what your thinking “Camo is not a color, it’s a pattern” Damn right it is, but come on, Camo is cool, much better then clouds or peace signs.  Moving on!

Royal Blue ~ Major –

Blue is seen as trustworthy, dependable, and committed.  Blue also has a cool calming effect which will come in handy when it comes time for brainwashing of new followers.

 

Skull and Bones ~ Colonel –

Now following the same lines as camo, yes it’s a pattern, but though they may be cheesy, as a past present and future metal head, the Scull and bones are badass!

Purple ~ Lieutenant General –

Mostly because purple is my most favorite color in the world, but more importantly, it is the color of Royalty.  Purple has to be one of the highest-ranking colors.  It is also the color for creativity and eccentricities.  Speaking of eccentric, at what age do you stop being label weird and start getting labeled as eccentric?

 

Brown ~ General -

One reason only.  This is the color I own.  The end.

So I have written it, so it be read.  Bow down to your new Snuggie Leader!  That is all.

****Sidebar- Please support my beautiful sister as she walks in the Chicago Area March of Dime March for Babies.  I know times are tough right now, and it’s hard to spare even a dollar, but $5 is not much to part with, and it can make a big difference in helping pre-mature babies.  Won’t someone please think of the children!?!?   Please check out this link for more information (support team Wonder pets), don’t forget, Sharing is Caring. J******

http://www.marchforbabies.org/Kmahalko 

The Cat Butt Game

The Cat Butt Game was invented by my sister and her husband a few years ago. It’s a fun family game that will be sweeping the nation soon. What do I need to play? First you need at least one other person to play with, you can play by yourself, but like most things in life, it’s not as much fun alone. Second, you will need a cat.  Don’t have a cat you say? You can use your dog.  Don’t have a cat or dog?  What the eff is the matter with you?  :: cue Sarah Mclaughlin music:: There are tons of loyal kitties and doggies at your local animal shelter who would love a good home.  Have allergies?  Get a pill.  Afraid of them? They won’t hurt you unless you hurt them.  The way I see it is, where else are you gonna find such a small bundle of unconditional love and loyalty then from a cute little fur ball? Well…other then that whole giving birth and raising a baby thing people keep talking about.  So go adopt a pet you heartless jerks!

 Any who, once you have procured a cat (or dog) the object of the game is to get your partner to inadvertently look at the cats ass.  I’m talking tail up, full moon rising butt shot.  Example: Say your watchin TV with a friend, and out of the corner of your eye, you see “fluffy” with one leg high in the air, cleaning her nether regions.  This would be a prime opportunity!  You say to your friend “What the eff is that crawling across the floor over there?” as you point towards the cat.  Your friend will most often quickly look in the direction your pointing.  When they get the eye full of Cat Butt, you’ve won.  Very easy to play, and way fun.  You can even play it on the go, just use squirrel’s, bunnies, or even birds, though that would be way to easy, birds always have their asses hanging out.  Enjoy folks, and watch out for the Cat Butt!