Monday, March 21, 2011

Animals on the Roadways: An Important PSA that could Save your Life! (well not really yours, more the animals lives)

Ok, now that spring is officially here and the weathers getting warmer, birds and bees are starting to play nice together again.  Bambi’s and Thumpers are starting to twitter pate, or whatever the hell it is they do with each other.  I think it is time for a PSA. That’s Public Service Announcement not Public Sex Act for those of you who are acronym-ically challenged.  Today’s PSA is going to be on Road Kill. Yup Road Kill. But not in a ‘hey ten points if you hit that rabbit’ kinda Road Kill PSA.  This is a friendly PSA (for now).  So as I was sayin, the weathers getting nicer and animals large and small are starting to shed off the last dregs of snow on their cute furry hides.  They will be back on their trails skittering this way and that in search of food and love.  These trails, which were theirs in the first place, will on many occasions cross over onto “our” roads.  ~ History Lesson: Most roads today were already here from settlers’ trails, but the trails didn’t originate with the settlers trailing from one outpost to the next.  The trails originated from animals foraging for food.  That is why most trails and modern roads at some point lead up to or next to a river or body of water. End History Lesson ~

So basically what I’m trying to say peeps, is that we need to acknowledge the fact that animals will eventually cross our paths on the roadways.  The question is are you going to be that careless ass? or a caring ass-embly of people? (Sorry for the lame attempt at a joke) cont: Ok, don’t get me wrong here, accidents happen, I can see how a squirrel or a rabbit can dart out into the road from practically no where.  It happens and I always feel bad, that there’s not much you can do with out slamming on the brakes and potentially causing a car accident. I don’t like it, it happens, I’ll forgive, but as long as it was an accident, don’t go aiming for the poor things.

 But there are other animals out there that aren’t as darty and fast as said squirrel and rabbit.  Raccoons and possums I see a lot, they are larger and slower, they don’t exactly dart at you.  Now I do take into consideration that they are nocturnal and may not be as easy to see at night.  But this is where it is up to you to take the responsibility to at least try to prevent a raccoon/possum massacre.  Headlights can help light up the roadway and the eyes of the creatures in question.  If you see them, please brake, or if it is too late to brake, swerve (as long as it’s not into a tree or another car) The raccoon and possum babies will thank you and they won’t have to ask that awkward question to mama raccoon/possum “Momma, why doesn’t Daddy come home anymore?  Does he not love us?” and in order to spare their feelings by telling them their Dad is dead, she replies “Yes sweetheart your Daddy hates you and never wants to see you ever again.”  Do we really want this scenario to play out people?

 All right moving on to a slightly larger animal that I see on the side of the road ALL the time, is the common Canadian Goose.  This I don’t get at all, this is just out of meanness.  I mean if you ever had to wait for a line of geese to mosey across the street, you obviously know how flippin slow these birds walk.  Basically if you hit and kill a Goose, you’re an asshole.  Yup it’s true. You are a 100% narcissistic, impatient Asshole!  Nothing will ever change my mind on that.  Yeah I know, geese can be annoying, they poop on everything and honk at you if you even look at them, but do they really deserve to get hit by a car?   Does any animal?  Does anyone?

 Now the last animal I will bring up is one of the larger of Road Kill you will see. (Especially driving down the back roads in Wisconsin)  The White Tail Deer.  I hate seeing them dead on the road, but these guys I’ve seen in action, they’re fast, they come out of nowhere, and they pack a mean punch.  Usually it’s not you that hits the deer, but the deer that hits you.  So this I cannot blame you if you accidentally hit a Deer, accidentally being the key word. Besides, I truly don’t believe anyone would deliberately hit a deer, seeing as the deer would totally tear your car apart.

 So to recap, accidents do happen, rabbits, squirrels, deer, all speedy shifty creatures that can and will surprise you, so just keep your guard up when driving and do the best you can not to squash them.  Next, Raccoon, and Possums, they are slower but come out at night, so they have the darkness against them.  Just know that when you are in an area inhabited by them to just keep a careful watch at night.  Lastly, Geese, there is no excuse, they’re big and slow and I’ve never personally seen one cross a street at night, so you can’t use that as an excuse buddy.  If you hit a Goose, you’re a Heartless Asshole, sorry, but it’s true.  So please be careful when driving and brake for our furry and feathered friends.  Not fish though; they have no business being on the road. Stupid fish with their stupid gills and stupid scales and stupid floppy bodies and mouths that open and close like their gasping for air ……*author shudders as a chill trickles down her spine*  I don’t like fish.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Why I think my cat is part Wookie

I think my cat is part Wookie

My youngest cat has to be part Wookie, no doubt about it.  The evidence is overwhelming! So I’ve gathered up some evidence, because no one believes me that my cat is a descendent of the Wookies of Kyyshak.  

First I’m going to bring up her temperament.  Now Wookies are known for their short tempers and unpleasant dispositions.  My cat - we’ll call her “Lola” to keep her identity hidden is one of the bitchest cats I’ve ever met in my life.  Her death stare is so intense she can look at you, and make you suddenly want your mommy.  She’s mean, she’s bullies my other cat, and she isn’t the most pleasant smelling. -That has nothing to do with my theory; I just had to call her out on it. : ) - Try to look her in the eye in this picture, I dare you to, look at it and tell me you don’t pee a little out of fear. You say you don’t?  I say you’re a frackin liar! Wookie!

 Second, it is important to warn you that if you play “Lola” at galactic space chess, it is best to let her win. Come to think of it, you should probably let her win at Wizards Chess as well. - Speaking of, does anyone know where I can find a really good Wizards Chess Set?  The only ones I can find, the pieces don’t move, so technically that’s not a Wizards Chess Set. - Any who…Appendages have been severed, to this day, I still don’t know where my left pinky is.  Wookie!

Third, she sounds like a Wookie.  Now I don’t have any audio proof, I really wish I did, so your just gonna have to trust me on this one.  She doesn’t so much meow as it is kind of a bark. A meowie/bark.  A meark.  Every time I scold her for doing something she knows she’s not suppose to do, she mearks at me and it instantly makes me think of Chewie.  Wookie!

Fourth, she may be a mean ass bitch, but any good Wookie is also very loyal.  I can say with certainty, that if I were caught by Boba Fett and frozen in carbonate, “Lola” would get her fury little ass captured so she can help in the plot to rescue me.  I think that’s sweet.  Wookie! (sidebar- I’ve also come to the conclusion that she would rescue me just so she can scratch the shit out of my arm while I’m sleeping, which backs up my first claim. Wookie!)

So those are four reasons I’ve come up with so far, there may be more in the future.

New evidence found!!!  Is “Lola” part Wookie?……or part Jawa? You be the judge.

BTW she just bit me, as I’m finishing up writing this.  It’s obvious she’s knows I’m getting close to the truth about her ancestry.