Saturday, July 30, 2011

My Theory on what Really Happened to Ms. Kitty Fantastico

As you all know (if your Buffy fans) Ms. Kitty Fantastico seems to have disappeared part way through season 5, not unlike the famous Tiger from the Brady Bunch.  There have been many speculations as to what happened to our feline friend, and this would be my theory. Ms. Kitty Fantastico did not meet her fate impaled by a stray crossbow bolt like Dawn would have you believe.  In fact, the only reason Dawn believes this to be the case is because Willow in a fit of anger put one of her famous memory charms on Dawn making her think she’d left a crossbow lying around and that this crossbow was what did in poor little Ms. Kitty.  Why would Willow do that you ask?  It was revenge! For Dawn had taken a pair of Willows clogs without asking and had lost them then lied about having them in the first place.  You can’t lie to a witch, and you definitely shouldn’t piss one off!  Anyway, my story begins that fateful day when Glory busted into Tara ’s dorm room searching for “The Key”.   Buffy, Dawn, Willow, and the newly lobotomized Tara were about to have some lunch when Glory came upon them and the four girls were forced to abandoned the decimated room in order to keep the youngest Summers girls safe, and that is where Ms. Kitty’s life took a turn in a different direction….

It was dark out by the time Ms. Kitty Fantastico woke up from her Tuna Sandwich induced slumber. She’d been hiding under the bed since all the commotion earlier in the day.  She decided to make her move, she didn’t want to be there in case that strange woman, Glory, came back with her minions again.  She took a deep breath and made a mad dash for the missing wall that lead to the courtyard outside the building.  She stayed to the shadow, slinking as close as possible to the cement wall that made up the dorm she had once lived in as a sneaky cat.  She had no idea where she was gonna go or what she was gonna do.  Should she try to find Tara and Willow?  Should she try to find food and shelter first?  Should she try to make her dream of becoming a talking cat Disney cartoon character come true?  While she was slowly pondering her options, Spike came along and made her decision for her.  See Spike was feeling restless that night and wanted to fight or drink, or both.  When he saw Ms. Kitty Fantastico, he saw the opportunity to be included in Clem’s weekly poker game in the back room of Willy’s Place.  As you know, the only way to play poker at Willy’s was by betting with kittens instead of money.  He snatched up Ms. Kitty and hustled away into the night.  But Spike didn’t make it to Clem’s poker game.  Buffy caught him on his way; she had been searching for him.  Not wanting Buffy to ask unwanted questions about why he was smuggling a cat in his duster, he hastily let Ms. Kitty drop from his grasp where she immediately ran for the nearest alley to hide.

After finding a not so warm and dry corner to hide in, she stayed and slept until morning when the light would be up to guide her on her way.  She awoke to an old fat tabby named Bonkers staring at her.  He was twice her age, and as mean as he was ugly, but he ended up taking care of her and making sure her belly and pouch of catnip was full every day.  Ms. Kitty Fantastcio grew up pretty quick living in the Alley with Bonkers, with his help she turned into her alter-ego Trixie, and she quickly built up a strong clientele of ‘johns’ or I guess you would call them ‘toms’ since they were cats.   One day though Bonkers went out to hunt mice and never returned.  This was the second time in her life she’d been abandoned and she was starting to feel a bit self-conscious.  Why did no one want to stay with her?  What is she doing to push everyone away?  Was it the clumps of crap stuck in her fur because she lacked the resource of toilet paper?  She became utterly depressed and plunged her soul into her work, for where else would she find the happiness and acceptance she so desperately craved.   

Then one-day fortune fell at Ms. Kitty Fantastico’s paws.  One of her ‘toms’ happened to be a photographer for Play Kitty magazine and offered her a full picture spread….in exchange for free “service”.  She jumped on that opportunity….in more ways then one, and fast became a modeling sensation.

Ms. Kitty Fantastico's PlayKitty debut

Photo courtesy of PlayKitty
Photo courtesy of PlayKitty
As her career as a model took off and took her to many new places, so did her catnip problem, until one day she found out she was expecting a litter of kittens (three girls one boy).  It was at that point she decided to clean up her life so her babies wouldn’t be forced to follow the same path she lead.  She moved out of the Sunnydale/L.A. area to remove herself for the places and people that had helped enable her addiction.  She eventually married the father of her brood, although some speculate that there is more then one father for her litter.  She is now living happily off the fortune she made from her Play Kitty days.  She returned to Sunnydale once since she had left to try to find her old humans Tara and Willow, but unfortunately all she found was a large gash in the earth where the Hellmouth-y town once stood.   She was left wondering what happened to her old humans since her trail to find them ended so abruptly.  She has not tried to search for them since. 

Ms. Kitty with two of her daughters, Perfecto(left) and Joan(right)
These days Ms. Kitty Fantastico currently resides in Tijuana with her husband and four children, Magnifico, Perfecto, Supersticioso, and Joan.  Her life may have had it hardships and cat-astrophes, but Ms. Kitty finally found the home and companionship she so desperately craved since day one.

Thus ends the “real” story of Ms. Kitty Fantastico.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Writings from a Teenage me

Yeah I know, I’m suppose to be posting the last post in the trilogy of my youth-ly thoughts and deeds, but I’m just not feeling it right now.  I get distracted easily and in the words of Vamp Willow “Bored now” (If you don’t get that reference, I am so sorry that you have missed out on 7 seasons of awesomeness, if you do get that reference, then put that in your marzipan and smoke it bingo!) Anyway, I’ve decided to post something else that was written by the 17 year old me.  I was recently cleaning out one of my bookshelves and came across some old spiral notebooks that I used to write and draw in when I was a teen. Now I turn 33 tomorrow, so there have been quite a few years since these were written, and it’s been years since I last took a look at some of this stuff.  It’s funny that now a lot of the “dark despair” feelings I wrote about kinda make me laugh. Was I really that self-absorbed where I thought I was the only kid going through the whole “no one gets me, I’m so alone, poor me” phase? Apparently.  Oh well, at least I can laugh about it now.  Without further ado, here is a short story entitled ‘Silent Stalker’ I actually kinda like this one, it was one of my better-written stories…..which really isn’t saying much.  So from the pen of 17 year old me, here is ‘Silent Stalker’.

                                                Silent Stalker

Prowling the wasted badlands that were once a magnificent city forgotten, he stepped into the dark alleyway.  The smell of fear.  Darkness surrounded what little light the luminescent sky provided.  He is a predator, the silent stalker, takeing lives to complete his own. 
The dark figure of a man slithered from a passageway that seemed to disappear just as fast as it had appeared, creating the perfect illusion.  Blood dripped from his powder-incrusted nose.  The predator saw this, smelled it, felt it on his lips.  A grin appeared half cocked in the corner of his mouth.  He watched, waited silently for the dark figures next move.  He liked playing games, tonight it would be Chess.  This game he liked in particular, the thrill and anticipation of watching his opponent positioning himself just right for a surprise attack.  The dark figure began to move, he stumbled blindly over old cardboard boxes that had once housed vagrant souls.  
Standing in his attack position, sweat dripped from the predators’ brow. Waiting was torture.  Just a few…more…steps. Checkmate! Blood dripped from the predators’ mouth as he watched the dark figure’s lifeless body hit the ground for the last time.  He had life again and he was still the silent stalker.

Here are a couple more good ones.  Here I’m trying to be more artsy and less fartsy, I have to say, I was really deep as a teen, lol.  Very emo.

                        Behind Green Eyes

Oh what a twisted web we weave, when at first we practice to deceive
With tangled webs of hope and despair, clinging to you gently without a care
With raindrop oceans of the blackest sewage, killing you quickly with hatred and power
Gnawing at your brain leads the old man home, without a care to whom he knows
Female eyes of green decay, shine fourth golden light from the darkest night
The stars up in heaven and the fires down in hell created a child, the earth raised her well.

                                         Tears like Jewels

A thousand eyes sneak down upon you, beneath you lies I think I’ve found you
Tears like jewels run from my eyes, the world you gave me was all a lie
With your witchy words and your demon heart, the Devils Knell will tare you apart
Like deer in a headlight you’ve frozen me, then struck me down in your misery
Tears like jewels run down my cheek, all my life have I been this weak?

This next one is my interpretation of one of the very few nightmares I’ve had in my life.  This one I remember cause it was on New Years eve/Day of 1999 going into 2000.

I had a nightmare last night 
Great way to start the New Year
Why they didn't kill me i don't know 
I thought I was safe
I was in my house
I looked in the bathroom
Blood everywhere
He thought we were playing a joke on him
My family is downstairs
I thought it was over
Then they came for me
They came closer to my house
They were going to kill my family
I had no way to stop them
I shouted
Then it was just black

Ok, ok I won’t torture you guys anymore.  I just find my teen self very amusing and thought you all might too.  If I don’t post again for a while, have a great summer folks!