Saturday, July 30, 2011

My Theory on what Really Happened to Ms. Kitty Fantastico

As you all know (if your Buffy fans) Ms. Kitty Fantastico seems to have disappeared part way through season 5, not unlike the famous Tiger from the Brady Bunch.  There have been many speculations as to what happened to our feline friend, and this would be my theory. Ms. Kitty Fantastico did not meet her fate impaled by a stray crossbow bolt like Dawn would have you believe.  In fact, the only reason Dawn believes this to be the case is because Willow in a fit of anger put one of her famous memory charms on Dawn making her think she’d left a crossbow lying around and that this crossbow was what did in poor little Ms. Kitty.  Why would Willow do that you ask?  It was revenge! For Dawn had taken a pair of Willows clogs without asking and had lost them then lied about having them in the first place.  You can’t lie to a witch, and you definitely shouldn’t piss one off!  Anyway, my story begins that fateful day when Glory busted into Tara ’s dorm room searching for “The Key”.   Buffy, Dawn, Willow, and the newly lobotomized Tara were about to have some lunch when Glory came upon them and the four girls were forced to abandoned the decimated room in order to keep the youngest Summers girls safe, and that is where Ms. Kitty’s life took a turn in a different direction….

It was dark out by the time Ms. Kitty Fantastico woke up from her Tuna Sandwich induced slumber. She’d been hiding under the bed since all the commotion earlier in the day.  She decided to make her move, she didn’t want to be there in case that strange woman, Glory, came back with her minions again.  She took a deep breath and made a mad dash for the missing wall that lead to the courtyard outside the building.  She stayed to the shadow, slinking as close as possible to the cement wall that made up the dorm she had once lived in as a sneaky cat.  She had no idea where she was gonna go or what she was gonna do.  Should she try to find Tara and Willow?  Should she try to find food and shelter first?  Should she try to make her dream of becoming a talking cat Disney cartoon character come true?  While she was slowly pondering her options, Spike came along and made her decision for her.  See Spike was feeling restless that night and wanted to fight or drink, or both.  When he saw Ms. Kitty Fantastico, he saw the opportunity to be included in Clem’s weekly poker game in the back room of Willy’s Place.  As you know, the only way to play poker at Willy’s was by betting with kittens instead of money.  He snatched up Ms. Kitty and hustled away into the night.  But Spike didn’t make it to Clem’s poker game.  Buffy caught him on his way; she had been searching for him.  Not wanting Buffy to ask unwanted questions about why he was smuggling a cat in his duster, he hastily let Ms. Kitty drop from his grasp where she immediately ran for the nearest alley to hide.

After finding a not so warm and dry corner to hide in, she stayed and slept until morning when the light would be up to guide her on her way.  She awoke to an old fat tabby named Bonkers staring at her.  He was twice her age, and as mean as he was ugly, but he ended up taking care of her and making sure her belly and pouch of catnip was full every day.  Ms. Kitty Fantastcio grew up pretty quick living in the Alley with Bonkers, with his help she turned into her alter-ego Trixie, and she quickly built up a strong clientele of ‘johns’ or I guess you would call them ‘toms’ since they were cats.   One day though Bonkers went out to hunt mice and never returned.  This was the second time in her life she’d been abandoned and she was starting to feel a bit self-conscious.  Why did no one want to stay with her?  What is she doing to push everyone away?  Was it the clumps of crap stuck in her fur because she lacked the resource of toilet paper?  She became utterly depressed and plunged her soul into her work, for where else would she find the happiness and acceptance she so desperately craved.   

Then one-day fortune fell at Ms. Kitty Fantastico’s paws.  One of her ‘toms’ happened to be a photographer for Play Kitty magazine and offered her a full picture spread….in exchange for free “service”.  She jumped on that opportunity….in more ways then one, and fast became a modeling sensation.

Ms. Kitty Fantastico's PlayKitty debut

Photo courtesy of PlayKitty
Photo courtesy of PlayKitty
As her career as a model took off and took her to many new places, so did her catnip problem, until one day she found out she was expecting a litter of kittens (three girls one boy).  It was at that point she decided to clean up her life so her babies wouldn’t be forced to follow the same path she lead.  She moved out of the Sunnydale/L.A. area to remove herself for the places and people that had helped enable her addiction.  She eventually married the father of her brood, although some speculate that there is more then one father for her litter.  She is now living happily off the fortune she made from her Play Kitty days.  She returned to Sunnydale once since she had left to try to find her old humans Tara and Willow, but unfortunately all she found was a large gash in the earth where the Hellmouth-y town once stood.   She was left wondering what happened to her old humans since her trail to find them ended so abruptly.  She has not tried to search for them since. 

Ms. Kitty with two of her daughters, Perfecto(left) and Joan(right)
These days Ms. Kitty Fantastico currently resides in Tijuana with her husband and four children, Magnifico, Perfecto, Supersticioso, and Joan.  Her life may have had it hardships and cat-astrophes, but Ms. Kitty finally found the home and companionship she so desperately craved since day one.

Thus ends the “real” story of Ms. Kitty Fantastico.

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