*Language may not be approved by some, you've be warned...
Han's got a way with words, always has,
always will. He's the true master of sarcasm! But lets face it, he
can be kinda mean. I thought it'd be interesting to take some of his
most beloved quotes and rework them a bit so he doesn't come off
sounding like such a douche all the time. After re-reading this
though, I have to admit, he still sounds like a douche, but a more
civilized douche, almost summer's eve-y. Yeah I know, there is no
way to improve that magic he spins from between those lips of his,
but like I've told you all before, this is my blog, and
these are the thoughts churning through my brain at this moment, so
just go with it.
::In regards to Obi-wan “Ben”
Kenobi::
Luke: Ben is a great man.
What Han Said:
Yeah, great at getting us into trouble.
What Han Should Have Said:
With great men comes great
responsibility. I hope this Ben takes this into consideration before
he throws us all willy-nilly into unseemly situations.
::In regards to plans after escaping
The Death Star::
Leia:It's not over yet.
What Han Said:
It is for me, sister. Look, I ain't in
this for your revolution, and I'm not in it for you, Princess. I
expect to be well paid. I'm in it for the money.
What Han Should Have Said:
I regret to inform you that once we
have you safely secured at a location of your choosing, I must be on
my way. I'm a lover not a fighter, and I especially love
money...hint, hint, wink, wink. I have some debts to pay off,
soooo....yeah....um.....can I have some money?
::In regards to Leia totally burning
Han::
Chewie: ::laughing in
Wookineese::
What Han Said:
Laugh it up fuzzball!
What Han Should Have Said:
Chewie, it really hurts my feelings
that you would take the princesses side over mine. You do after all
owe me a life debt, and I feel it is unnecessary and disrespectful
for you to carry on this way........fuzzball.
::In regards to Luke finally getting
his shit together and blasting a fighter::
Luke: I got one!
What Han Said:
Great kid, don't get cocky!
What Han Should Have Said:
Great job Luke m' boy! There are still
some fighters flying about out there, so lets concentrate on
defeating them, then we'll celebrate. No one likes a penis-y
fly-boy.
::In regards to Han running off to
danger, to save his friend::
Hoth Rebel Base Dude:Your
Tauntaun will freeze before you hit the first marker!
What Han Said:
Then I'll see you in Hell!
What Han Should Have Said:
Thanks for your concern guy, but my
buddy is still out there. Since he blew up the Death Star and is
considered a big hero and all, I think we owe it to him to try to
search. If by chance my Tauntaun does indeed freeze before the first
marker, you can find me in Hell if you need anything. Until then I
bid you adieu.
::In regards to Han trying to woo the
Princess by angering her::
Leia: I'd just as soon kiss a
Wookiee
What
Han Said:
I
can arrange that. You could use a good kiss!
What
Han Should Have Said:
Princess
you seem a little stressed by the fact that I will shortly be leaving
this hidden rebel base. I don't know if you noticed, but Chewie
seems to be standing right under a mistletoe. I wouldn't pass up
this opportunity, you know what they say “Once you go Wookiee,
everyone else just seems like a Rookie”. I can put in a good word
for you if you like.
::In
regards to that scene where Leia says I love you, and Han totally
blows her off::
Leia:
I love you.
What Han Said:
I know.
What Han Should Have Said:
You
do!? OMG! Omg! I love you too! If I wasn't about to be flash frozen
in carbonite I would respectfully ask to escort you to the cantina of
your choice for a meal, and possibly a movie....if we have time.
Would you please instead allow Chewie to take my place on an awesome
galactic date?
::In
regards to the gang about to get capped on Tatooine::
Luke:
There's nothing to see. I used to live here, you know.
What
Han Said:
You're
going to die here, you know. Convenient.
What
Han Should Have Said:
You
lived here? How about that, the circle of life! From where you
started shall be where you end. Neat huh?
::In
regards to Luke being a wuss cause he's afraid his daddy's going to
catch him::
Luke:Vader's
on that ship.
What
Han Said:
Now
don't get jittery, Luke. There are a lot of command ships. Keep your
distance, though, Chewie, but don't look like you're trying to
keeping your distance. ::insert Chewie growl here:: I don't
know. Fly casual.
What Han Should Have Said:
Calm down there Skippy. This isn't all
about you ya know, there are many, many command ships spread through
out this vast galaxy, which is far, far away, the odds of your dad
being on one of these, right here in front of us are......3-PO, what
would the odds be? Wait! Forget i asked, never tell me the odds! Anyway,
Luke if it'll make you feel better, we'll try to stay as far from
them as possible. We don't want them to know that we know, that they
might notice us shying away from them. Chewie, don't let those ships
see that we're trying to keep our distance. ::insert
Chewie growl here:: I don't know. Fly casual. <can't
improve that last line, it's perfect just the way it is>
::In regards to C3-PO man-ing up and
finally getting Luke and Han released from the Ewoks spit grill::
C3-PO:He says the scouts are
going to show us the quickest way to the shield generator.
What Han Said:
Good. How far is it? Ask him.....We
need some fresh supplies too......Try and get our weapons
back.....Hurry up, will ya? Haven't got all day!
What Han Should Have Said:
Good. How far is it? Ask him.....We
need some fresh supplies too......Try and get our weapons
back.....Hurry up, will ya? Haven't got all day! <3-PO is a spaz
and deserves Hans rude abruptness>
My brain hurts now. Good night or day
til next time....Adieu
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