Sunday, January 23, 2011

The Snuggie Color Rank Classification System

Ok, so I know I’m not the only one who has noticed that Snuggies look a little too much like cult robes when on.  My friends and I have had many arguments as to whose snuggie color would have the higher rank in a snuggie cult.  So in order to stop the arguing once and for all, I have come up with a Snuggie Color Rank Classification System.  I have found 15 different colors and or patterns for this system, which you will see as you read on. These are “all” the colors I “could” find on the net.  I’m sure there are a lot more out there, but I was getting bored looking, so this is it.  Also I’m not including the prints for kids, because come on, kids don’t get a say.  I became an adult so I could tell kids what to do, not the other way around.  So to start the journey for my method of madness, the snuggies with prints have the lowest rank, because they suck.  Solid colors have the higher ranks because they suck less.  So here are the rank classifications from lowest to highest.  Make sure you read carefully before you try to pull rank on a fellow snuggie owner, cause they may out-rank you.




Snuggie Ranks

Clouds ~ Private – 
Clouds are the lowest rank.  Though pretty in the sky on a warm summers day, you just can’t take a cult member seriously when they have clouds covering their body.

Peace signs ~ Private First Class
Ok, peace signs, pretty much the same as clouds, but not nearly as lame.  Hence peace signs out rank clouds.

Zebra ~ Corporal
So the Zebra and Leopard ones were hard to place.  I argued with my self for hours and hours and hours on whether the animal prints should be the lowest ranking snuggie.  After a best out of 5 arm wrestling match with myself, the Zebra and Leopard print won and slightly out rank the clouds and peace sign.

Leopard Print ~ Sergeant
Pretty much the same as the statement above.  Though both are scary and remind me of a 50 something woman sleazing the bars in her stretch pant animal prints, The Leopard out ranks the Zebra for no other reason then, I have no reason.

Tie-dye ~ Staff Sergeant
Now Tie-dye is a print, so it is a lower rank, but it the higher of the low.  Come on, everyone has a little hippy in them somewhere….Tie-dye rocks!……..but not enough.

Sage Green ::sea foam green:: ~ Sergeant First Class –
Green symbolizes finances, fertility, luck, and money it is also the color of envy and inexperience.  Ok, so the envy and inexperience is what gave this color the lower ranking.  I don’t want many inexperienced people in charge of the lower ranks, it could turn into anarchy.

Forest Green ~ Sergeant Major
Same reasons as Sage Green, except this is a darker color, which makes it cooler in my book.  Though green is my second favorite color, I cannot have this color at the top of my rank list.

Soft Rose ::pink:: ~ Warrant Officer
So Pink is supposed to encourage action and confidence, that is a plus, however, Pink can also create physical weakness in a cult member.  So plus on the confidence, but minus for physical weakness.


Red ~ Chief Warrant Officer -

It's a strong color that conjures up a range of seemingly conflicting emotions from passionate love to violence and warfare. Red is also the first color we loss sight of when twilight approaches. Yeah, so that will come in handy when the FBI tries to sieze our compound……at twillight. 

Burgundy ~ First Lieutenant
So Burgundy has the same symbolism as regular Red, but like Forrest Green, the darker the shade, the higher it ranks.


Camo ~ Captain –

Now I know what your thinking “Camo is not a color, it’s a pattern” Damn right it is, but come on, Camo is cool, much better then clouds or peace signs.  Moving on!

Royal Blue ~ Major
Blue is seen as trustworthy, dependable, and committed.  Blue also has a cool calming effect which will come in handy when it comes time for brainwashing of new followers.


Skull and Bones ~ Colonel –

Now following the same lines as camo, yes it’s a pattern, but though they may be cheesy, as a past present and future metal head, the Scull and bones are badass!

Purple ~ Lieutenant General
Mostly because purple is my most favorite color in the world, but more importantly, it is the color of Royalty.  Purple has to be one of the highest-ranking colors.  It is also the color for creativity and eccentricities.  Speaking of eccentric, at what age do you stop being label weird and start getting labeled as eccentric?
Brown ~ General -
One reason only.  This is the color I own.  The end.

So I have written it, so it be read.  Bow down to your new Snuggie Leader!  That is all.

****Sidebar- Please support my beautiful sister as she walks in the Chicago Area March of Dime March for Babies.  I know times are tough right now, and it’s hard to spare even a dollar, but $5 is not much to part with, and it can make a big difference in helping pre-mature babies.  Won’t someone please think of the children!?!?   Please check out this link for more information (support team Wonder pets), don’t forget, Sharing is Caring. J******

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