My Theory on what Really Happened to Ms. Kitty Fantastico

As you all know (if your Buffy fans) Ms. Kitty Fantastico seems to have disappeared part way through season 5, not unlike the famous Tiger from the Brady Bunch.  There have been many speculations as to what happened to our feline friend, and this would be my theory. Ms. Kitty Fantastico did not meet her fate impaled by a stray crossbow bolt like Dawn would have you believe.  In fact, the only reason Dawn believes this to be the case is because Willow in a fit of anger put one of her famous memory charms on Dawn making her think she’d left a crossbow lying around and that this crossbow was what did in poor little Ms. Kitty.  Why would Willow do that you ask?  It was revenge! For Dawn had taken a pair of Willows clogs without asking and had lost them then lied about having them in the first place.  You can’t lie to a witch, and you definitely shouldn’t piss one off!  Anyway, my story begins that fateful day when Glory busted into Tara ’s dorm room searching for “The Key”.   Buffy, Dawn, Willow, and the newly lobotomized Tara were about to have some lunch when Glory came upon them and the four girls were forced to abandoned the decimated room in order to keep the youngest Summers girls safe, and that is where Ms. Kitty’s life took a turn in a different direction….

It was dark out by the time Ms. Kitty Fantastico woke up from her Tuna Sandwich induced slumber. She’d been hiding under the bed since all the commotion earlier in the day.  She decided to make her move, she didn’t want to be there in case that strange woman, Glory, came back with her minions again.  She took a deep breath and made a mad dash for the missing wall that lead to the courtyard outside the building.  She stayed to the shadow, slinking as close as possible to the cement wall that made up the dorm she had once lived in as a sneaky cat.  She had no idea where she was gonna go or what she was gonna do.  Should she try to find Tara and Willow?  Should she try to find food and shelter first?  Should she try to make her dream of becoming a talking cat Disney cartoon character come true?  While she was slowly pondering her options, Spike came along and made her decision for her.  See Spike was feeling restless that night and wanted to fight or drink, or both.  When he saw Ms. Kitty Fantastico, he saw the opportunity to be included in Clem’s weekly poker game in the back room of Willy’s Place.  As you know, the only way to play poker at Willy’s was by betting with kittens instead of money.  He snatched up Ms. Kitty and hustled away into the night.  But Spike didn’t make it to Clem’s poker game.  Buffy caught him on his way; she had been searching for him.  Not wanting Buffy to ask unwanted questions about why he was smuggling a cat in his duster, he hastily let Ms. Kitty drop from his grasp where she immediately ran for the nearest alley to hide.

After finding a not so warm and dry corner to hide in, she stayed and slept until morning when the light would be up to guide her on her way.  She awoke to an old fat tabby named Bonkers staring at her.  He was twice her age, and as mean as he was ugly, but he ended up taking care of her and making sure her belly and pouch of catnip was full every day.  Ms. Kitty Fantastcio grew up pretty quick living in the Alley with Bonkers, with his help she turned into her alter-ego Trixie, and she quickly built up a strong clientele of ‘johns’ or I guess you would call them ‘toms’ since they were cats.   One day though Bonkers went out to hunt mice and never returned.  This was the second time in her life she’d been abandoned and she was starting to feel a bit self-conscious.  Why did no one want to stay with her?  What is she doing to push everyone away?  Was it the clumps of crap stuck in her fur because she lacked the resource of toilet paper?  She became utterly depressed and plunged her soul into her work, for where else would she find the happiness and acceptance she so desperately craved.   

 

Then one-day fortune fell at Ms. Kitty Fantastico’s paws.  One of her ‘toms’ happened to be a photographer for Play Kitty magazine and offered her a full picture spread….in exchange for free “service”.  She jumped on that opportunity….in more ways then one, and fast became a modeling sensation.

Ms. Kitty Fantastico's PlayKitty debut

Photo courtesy of PlayKitty

Photo courtesy of PlayKitty

As her career as a model took off and took her to many new places, so did her catnip problem, until one day she found out she was expecting a litter of kittens (three girls one boy).  It was at that point she decided to clean up her life so her babies wouldn’t be forced to follow the same path she lead.  She moved out of the Sunnydale/L.A. area to remove herself for the places and people that had helped enable her addiction.  She eventually married the father of her brood, although some speculate that there is more then one father for her litter.  She is now living happily off the fortune she made from her Play Kitty days.  She returned to Sunnydale once since she had left to try to find her old humans Tara and Willow, but unfortunately all she found was a large gash in the earth where the Hellmouth-y town once stood.   She was left wondering what happened to her old humans since her trail to find them ended so abruptly.  She has not tried to search for them since. 

Ms. Kitty with two of her daughters, Perfecto(left) and Joan(right)

These days Ms. Kitty Fantastico currently resides in Tijuana with her husband and four children, Magnifico, Perfecto, Supersticioso, and Joan.  Her life may have had it hardships and cat-astrophes, but Ms. Kitty finally found the home and companionship she so desperately craved since day one.

Thus ends the “real” story of Ms. Kitty Fantastico.

Writings from a Teenage me

Yeah I know, I’m suppose to be posting the last post in the trilogy of my youth-ly thoughts and deeds, but I’m just not feeling it right now.  I get distracted easily and in the words of Vamp Willow “Bored now” (If you don’t get that reference, I am so sorry that you have missed out on 7 seasons of awesomeness, if you do get that reference, then put that in your marzipan and smoke it bingo!) Anyway, I’ve decided to post something else that was written by the 17 year old me.  I was recently cleaning out one of my bookshelves and came across some old spiral notebooks that I used to write and draw in when I was a teen. Now I turn 33 tomorrow, so there have been quite a few years since these were written, and it’s been years since I last took a look at some of this stuff.  It’s funny that now a lot of the “dark despair” feelings I wrote about kinda make me laugh. Was I really that self-absorbed where I thought I was the only kid going through the whole “no one gets me, I’m so alone, poor me” phase? Apparently.  Oh well, at least I can laugh about it now.  Without further ado, here is a short story entitled ‘Silent Stalker’ I actually kinda like this one, it was one of my better-written stories…..which really isn’t saying much.  So from the pen of 17 year old me, here is ‘Silent Stalker’.

                                                Silent Stalker

Prowling the wasted badlands that were once a magnificent city forgotten, he stepped into the dark alleyway.  The smell of fear.  Darkness surrounded what little light the luminescent sky provided.  He is a predator, the silent stalker, takeing lives to complete his own. 

The dark figure of a man slithered from a passageway that seemed to disappear just as fast as it had appeared, creating the perfect illusion.  Blood dripped from his powder-incrusted nose.  The predator saw this, smelled it, felt it on his lips.  A grin appeared half cocked in the corner of his mouth.  He watched, waited silently for the dark figures next move.  He liked playing games, tonight it would be Chess.  This game he liked in particular, the thrill and anticipation of watching his opponent positioning himself just right for a surprise attack.  The dark figure began to move, he stumbled blindly over old cardboard boxes that had once housed vagrant souls.  

Standing in his attack position, sweat dripped from the predators’ brow. Waiting was torture.  Just a few…more…steps. Checkmate! Blood dripped from the predators’ mouth as he watched the dark figure’s lifeless body hit the ground for the last time.  He had life again and he was still the silent stalker.

Here are a couple more good ones.  Here I’m trying to be more artsy and less fartsy, I have to say, I was really deep as a teen, lol.  Very emo.

                        Behind Green Eyes

Oh what a twisted web we weave, when at first we practice to deceive

With tangled webs of hope and despair, clinging to you gently without a care

With raindrop oceans of the blackest sewage, killing you quickly with hatred and power

Gnawing at your brain leads the old man home, without a care to whom he knows

Female eyes of green decay, shine fourth golden light from the darkest night

The stars up in heaven and the fires down in hell created a child, the earth raised her well.

                                         Tears like Jewels

A thousand eyes sneak down upon you, beneath you lies I think I’ve found you

Tears like jewels run from my eyes, the world you gave me was all a lie

With your witchy words and your demon heart, the Devils Knell will tare you apart

Like deer in a headlight you’ve frozen me, then struck me down in your misery

Tears like jewels run down my cheek, all my life have I been this weak?

This next one is my interpretation of one of the very few nightmares I’ve had in my life.  This one I remember cause it was on New Years eve/Day of 1999 going into 2000.

I had a nightmare last night 

Great way to start the New Year

Why they didn't kill me i don't know 

I thought I was safe

I was in my house

I looked in the bathroom

Blood everywhere

He thought we were playing a joke on him

My family is downstairs

I thought it was over

Then they came for me

They came closer to my house

They were going to kill my family

I had no way to stop them

I shouted

Then it was just black

Ok, ok I won’t torture you guys anymore.  I just find my teen self very amusing and thought you all might too.  If I don’t post again for a while, have a great summer folks!

Weird things I thought or did as a kid: Age 7-12yrs

We all said, thought, or did stupid/weird/strange things as kids.  I decided to share with you some of the crazy shit that I thought or did as a kid.  I’m gonna break it down into three blogs by age.  This is the second part to the triad of my life.  Now that I’ve entered my school years, a healthy overactive imagination was frowned upon by most, so there won’t be so much thoughts I’ve had, but more things I did.  Most of my adventures deal with my siblings, and/or my friend “J” who lived down the street and was my collaborator throughout both of our childhood.  Our friendship started out with him being the one with the “ideas” that influenced me, as we got older, the roles reversed and I was the “bad” influence.  Strange how things turn out.

Dares my Siblings “Made” me do

The most famous of dares, my parents still chuckle about, I was 7 or 8 I think, and my brother and sister dared me to pull down my pants and dance a little jig in front of a window facing the street and our neighbors.  I don’t remember if any neighbors actually saw my cute little bare ass wiggling back and fourth, but my parents found out cause my sibs told on me….jerks.  I think the fact that my parents told my grandparents and aunts and uncles as an amusing story was punishment enough.  You can’t just back down from a dare! Even if it’s grossly disgusting, which leads me to another dare from the sibs that came about one sunny spring day. The dare was to pick up a dried up piece of dog poop that had been lying in our yard all winter and was now white washed from the sun, I picked it up…and again got in trouble.  Some how I was missing the pattern that if I did the dares, my sibs were just setting me up to get me in trouble by promptly telling my parents what I had just done.  Another dare I remember had to do with a jar of rocks in water my brother had collected from the UP on a visit to our grandparents.  I don’t know why the rocks were in water, it could have been water from the lake at my grandparents house, kids collect and cherish strange things sometimes for reasons only they can justify.  Now this jar had been sitting on a shelf in our garage for probably years.  I was dared to open the lid and take a sip of the water, it was the grossest thing I’ve ever tasted, so horrid I couldn’t even try to explain it.  Kinda earthy and sour, if you ever come across a vintage jar of “Rock Water” I really don’t recommend it, go for the Chateau Mouton-Rothschild 1945, I hear it's exquisite!  Plus the hangover the next morning isn’t as painful as “Rock Water”.

Tale of the 1^st Grade puddle

One day at school, there were construction workers working on the roof of my school, and you could hear them up there drilling and hammering away.  I had to pee really badly, so I asked the teacher for the bathroom pass.  When I got there, there was another girl at the sink washing her hands, she told me to “watch out because the construction workers drilled holes into the ceiling and they can watch us pee”.  Well, I wasn’t gonna give them the opportunity to catch me with my pants down around my ankles, I was a modest kid…except for the window butt dance thing, so I chickened out, and went back to class.  I tried so hard and for so long to hold it in, but small bladder plus too much juice at breakfast was my bane, eventually the floodgates opened.  Nobody noticed at first, but then I heard the dreadful words utter from a boy the next seat over. “Teacher, there’s a puddle under her desk, I think she peed!”  Not my best moment, but this is the only time I remember ever peeing my pants….as a kid.  I tried to pass it off as spilled water; maybe it was the fact that I had asparagus for dinner the night before, or the fact that water isn’t yellow, but I couldn’t get my teacher to believe me. My teacher sent me to the nurse so they could call my mom to bring me a clean pair of pants.  I remember while waiting for my mom to come and rescue me, the nurse had me stand in the bathroom with my butt waving skywards pointed towards the hot air hand dryers.  Yeah…lets just say I was glad I was only in that school the one year.  I’m sure I was know as “the girl who was here for one year who peed and puked in class” for the rest of those kids school career.  Oh yeah, side note on that puking thing. I also puked during a music class that year, not the same day thankfully, but it was just as traumatic, with the splattering and the splash back, I kinda feel bad for the poor kids I went to school with that year.

Bike Tag

I don’t know how any of us played this without getting a broken bone somewhere, but we invented a new game, Bike Tag.  It was tag on your bikes.  We played on our street and had to make sharp turns weaving in and out of each other to get away from the person who was “It”.  There was crashing and grabbing, and kicking, and all this at a fast paced 3-5 miles an hour! I seriously have no idea how none of us got hurt playing this.

 

Summer and Winter Fun with Garbage Bags

Hee hee hee, we had so much fun, and spare time, (with garbage bags) when we were kids.  I know we weren’t the first, and we certainly won’t be the last, but we made a slip and slide out of garbage bags.  It didn’t last long, and my mom made us throw it out as soon as she got home from work and saw what we were up to, but the four of us kids bonded as we worked together and failed to make a decent homemade slip and slide. Now in the winter, we would try to use the same theory as the slip and slide and make a sled with a garbage bag. This was definitely trial and error.  The first proto type, we laid the bag down flat and laid on top trying to keep it taut as we “slid” down the hill.  Yeah, easier said then done.  Second wave we tried a new tactic, we wore the thin plastic bag like a potato sack and rode down the hill on our butts.  Nope, that just brought about a massive wave of bruised butts from the ice laced snow.  For the third time at bat, we took a big piece of cardboard, put it inside the bag, then like proto type one, we laid on top and prayed it would work.  Not bad, it worked for the most part, but it just wasn’t as fast and shiny as the other kids store bought sleds, so we’d just “borrow” theirs for a while.  We got to sled, and they were forced to do something nice for another, so it was a win-win for every body! :D

What in This Garage is Flammable?

My partner in crime my whole youth was a boy who lived down the street, we’ll just call him J.  When we were bored and his parents weren’t home, we’d go into his garage, and pick random spray cans or car fluids containers, and see which of them were flammable, and if they made pretty colors when lit.  We’d choose our favorites, then we’d make a nice pattern or design on the garage floor with them and would then light ‘em up and fun was had by all.  I still can’t believe his dad never busted us, we hid our mess, not so well under the cardboard his dad placed on the garage floor to keep leaking car fluids from staining the cement floor.  I’m also surprise we didn’t do any serious damage…don’t play with fire kids, not unless your supervised by a “mature” adult.

So years 7-12 has come to an end.  Don’t worry, age 13-18 is coming next week.  I expect you all to be waiting with baited breath!

* This post is dedicated to my Loki boy.  Thank you for the 11 years of soft kitty nudges, loud purring in my ear, and your never ending unconditional love.  I’ll see you again my furry little buddy! Dec 6 1999 – May 28 2011 * 

Weird things I thought or did as a kid: Age 0-6yrs

We all said, thought, or did stupid/weird/strange things as kids.  I decided to share with you some of the crazy shit that I thought or did.  I’m gonna break it down into three blogs by age.  This being the first will be age 0-6.  Now I needed help remembering some of my quirks from when I was really little, so I had asked my siblings through email, to help me “remember” some of the more interesting things I’ve done.  Yeah…I’m thinking this idea…not so good. My one sister replies back to me in less then 2 minutes with a long ass list that took me an hour to read.  Thanks sis!  Sarcasm* In my defense, I did have “inspiration” in the form of two older sisters and one older brother.  Some of the “inspiration” did come in dare form, it’s an unspoken law, that if your older sibs dare you to do something, well, you better damn well do it, or suffer the wrath of a loud, putrid, dank belch blown in your face, or worse…much worse.  Torture by gas was a big thing in my Family while growing up, you either dealt it, or tried your hardest not to be the victim of it.  Ahh, the memories!  Any who, please proceed below to age 0-6…

Age 0-6  

My Theory of How and Why I Was the Youngest Child of Four

I had a theory when I was little that my brother and sisters chained me up to the inside of my mom’s belly, so that I would be born last. I remember “accusing” them of their treachery on more then one occasion.  I gotta say though, I’m still not totally convinced that my theory is wrong.  I’ve found that there may be a motive to back up my mad ravings.  New evidence has been brought to my attention recently from a one Robert A. Fett.  Mr. Fett has informed me that when my sibs and I were younger and played make believe Star Wars, that I was always duped into playing R2D2 or an Ewok.  It’s obvious none of my older siblings wanted to play these roles, which only the shortest among us could play, so they schemed a scheme and it played out as they had planned.  I was born last for the sole purpose of being a non-speaking, short, sidekick in our playtime adventures. All I’ll say is be worried my sib’s….be very worried!  You have no idea what I have in store for you in the distant future….

Bedtime Trauma

I don’t remember how old I was, but I went to bed once with a Barbie doll clutched in my tiny little toddler arms.  In my tussling and tumbling of sleep, one of Barbie’s appendages jammed itself into my eye, I remember not being able to open my eye, and I think I had a black eye for a few days, but no major harm was done. Barbie did apologize to me after an emotional monologue, that seemed to drag on forever and ever…bitch can talk!  I forgave her, and it never happened again…so far.  I also was known to go to bed with gum in my mouth, which decidedly ended up in my hair by the morning.  Then there was another bedtime type paranoid thought I remember, that used to swim through my brain nightly, well mostly in the summer time, it used to freak me out.  We lived up north in the UP, in a house in the middle of the woods with only two or three houses remotely spaced on an old dirt road.  Yeah….wild animals were an every day occurrence for us.  I remember my crib/bed was in close proximity to the window, so I had crazy thoughts that raccoons, just raccoons for some reason, would come in through the window and claw at my face.  That never happened either, as far as I know…

The Movie ‘On Golden Pond’ Vs My Grandparents

I Thought the Movie ‘On Golden Pond’ Was Based on my Grandma and Grandpa.  For those of you who have seen the movie, you may understand the method to my tiny child minded madness.  For those who haven’t, just try to keep up, or move to the next section. Ok, so my grandparents live in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, the UP, when I was little, they had the most amazing house built right on a lake. * FACT ‘On Golden Pond’ takes place at a “grandparents” house built on a, yep you guessed it, a pond. (It’s kinda like a lake, ok!?.. So just go with it!)  * FACT In ‘On Golden Pond’ the grandpa’s name is Norman; my grandpa’s name is Norman.  * FACT Norman in the movie went fishing on the pond their house was built on a lot, my grandpa went fishing on the lake a lot. * FACT In the movie they go swimming in the pond, we went swimming in the lake at my grandparents.  I think you can see where this is going, so yeah in my infantile mind, I was convinced the movie was based on my grams and gramps…it wasn’t though.

I Ate Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches with Style!

Yeah, for some reason when I’d eat a PB&J, I’d start right in the middle and work my way straight back. I guess it was my way around the gross crust part that all kids hate, but I did gain something from my technique, I’d be sporting a jelly beard with jelly hair gel in my baby ‘fro for the rest of the day, or until my mom took me out back and hosed me down. 

Ah…the start of 12 years of hell

On my first full day of school ever, the teacher was asking the class how they would be taking lunch that day. When it was my turn she asked if I was gonna have “hot” lunch (cafeteria eatin) or if I was gonna have “cold” lunch (brown baggin). I had no idea why she was asking me, my response was “Um, I don’t know, I think it’s kinda warm.” Yeah, I was brown bagging it that day, didn’t know I was suppose to proclaim I was having a “cold” lunch.

 

Care Bear Swim Time!

I took my care bear into the kiddy pool with me once, don’t know why, don’t care, we had fun swimming in the sun!  Poor Grumpy Bear though, he was never the same after my mom un-waterlogged him in the dryer. He didn’t quite trust me as much after that.

*BTW, I’m really hoping that my parents got me Grumpy Bear because I liked the color blue as a kid, and not because I was a grumpy kid….lol, I totally was a grumpy kid, I wouldn’t blame them if they had!

Well that’s age 0-6 folks, stay tuned for next week we continue with ages 7-12…