I’m an Asshole….with a capital A for
emphasis. “ No! It’s not true!
You couldn’t possibly be! How could you say that?” You’re probably
asking your computer screen right now. Yeah, I kinda am, or at least I
feel like one sometimes. Lately I’ve been in a funk, I’ve been down and
feeling sorry for myself for struggling to make ends meet. It’s been all about
me lately, I-me-mine. I’ve been in self pity mode for awhile, and I feel
like an asshole because I know there are people out there who are far
worse off then I am. Lately I’ve been feeling like no one cares about me
or how I get by paying my rent each month, even though I know that’s not true, I’ve
got a lot of people who care about me…..but I don’t like to brag. : P So
lately I’ve been going through the motions <walking through the part>
going from day to day being like Darlene again. Yes, Darlene (from Rosanne) was
a nickname my friends and family gave me because as a teen my closet was full
of black and I didn’t speak English, I spoke sarcasm, or smart-assism. So yeah,
unfortunately "Darlene" found her way back into my life after being away for
sooooo long. Then something nice happened….two things actually.
First my good friend who works in maintenance at a
local apartment building found a nice little surprise for me one day.
Sometimes when people move out of their apartments, they leave behind unwanted
items. The buildings office hangs on to them for awhile in case the
former resident comes back to collect. This particular box of joy my
friend gave me (and no it’s not porn) had been sitting in the office for months
uncollected, so he decided to give these items to me. As soon as I saw
what all was in this box, I immediately turned into the little girl I was and
still act like most times, this box contains items that were most precious to
me for the first 20 years of my life (again…not porn). The inventory of
this box of goodies includes 1 Nintendo Entertainment System, 1 Super NES, and
1 Nintendo 64 system. Not only that, but there’s also a shit load of
games for each system, games I haven’t played in too many years for me to
remember. Wow, here I was acting like a little sullen depressed girl and
here is one person who cares enough about me to not only know I would absolutely love
these items, but whom specifically set them aside for me. Awesomeness!!
The second act of kindness came when I stopped
at the corner gas station next to my apartment building during lunch time today. I’m a reoccurring customer at this place; I’m there almost everyday for gas,
cigarettes, chocolate milk, or trick turning for extra chocolate milk money.
Today the nice dude behind the counter that I talk to all the time runs to the
back of the shop as soon as he saw me walk in the door. He comes running back up front carrying a
plastic bag with items in it. He hands it to me, “Here you go, you are a
good customer” he says, “and you are
here all the time, we want to say thank you to our best customers.” (You’re
all reading that in the voice of Apu aren’t you?) Inside this little care
package was a box of candy, two….yes two, packs of Parliament cigarettes (my
brand of choice, but they are the most expensive, so I’ve been down grading
lately to the cheapest pack….Pall Mall), if I wasn’t at work, I woulda started
leaking from my eye sockets at this kind gesture, I gotta keep my street cred
at work, can’t let anyone see me cry.
But that wasn’t all that was in this bag of goodies, there was also an
envelope with a card inside, and inside this card was also a gas card (Free
gas!! For my car!!), and bundle of scratch off lottery tickets. I was moved just by the smokes and chocolate,
I wasn’t even expecting anything else.
That’s two acts of kindness that people other then my family (who have
to be nice to me) have bestowed upon me in two days. So yeah I’ve officially been an asshole for
the past few weeks and apologize profusely to anyone who I might have assholed
on during my I-me-mine period.
These acts of kindness have made me realize
that I need to start doing more for people and be nicer. (Cue the serious musical backdrop) Don’t get
me wrong, I do help others as much as I can when I can, but sometimes I just
feel like I could do more. And it shouldn’t just be the holidays that I
feel this way, it should be all year round. I don't want to live in I-me-mine land, I don’t want to be like that
dude from the McDonald's commercial “Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.” Seriously dude? Who the eff are you? Who the eff am I for that matter. I’m just a tiny dot of color among other tiny
dots of color making up one big picture.
So I’m gonna try harder this new year to help out my fellow dots as much
as I can, cause we’re all in this picture together, going through the same crap…together. There are so many little things we can do to
help each other out, hold the door for the person behind you, offer to help
someone carry their grocery’s to their car, smile and give a compliment. Karma’s a real thing peeps, and you yourself may
need help one day, and when you help others, you’ll find that your “help” pops
up from all directions just when you need it the most. So let’s all pull a Catherine Ryan Hyde, and
Pay it Forward, or up or down or sideways…just pay it. Ok?
* I would like to add a closing statement to
all the kiddo’s and young-uns out there.
Earlier I mentioned how overjoyed I was when I received 2 packs of my
favorite cigarettes. Don’t start smoking
kids. Seriously. I totally regret ever starting. I admit, I started smoking when I was 17
cause all my friends were and I was sure that it made me look cooler to
everyone. It’s so hard to quit. Trying to quit smoking is like trying not to breathe;
it becomes a habit, something you need to survive your day. Don’t start smoking, I promise you will
regret it as much as I do. Not to
mention the price…when I started, they were $2.35 a pack (I can hear my dad
saying, “Well when I first started, they were a quarter outta the vending
machine”…thanks dad) now, just one pack costs me anywhere between $7.50-$8.70,
that money adds up. It’s a waste of
money, you feel like shit just walking up a flight of stairs and it’s so hard
to quit. Please if you actually follow any advice I give on this blog, it would
be this; Don’t start smoking….oh yeah, and be nicer to your fellow dots. *
